While I’m getting more comfortable with the idea that God is telling me to make rosaries, I’m also figuring out that this journey is not really about rosaries. It’s really about prayer.
I’ve never been one to pray a lot. I go through spurts where I’ll pray every day. I’ll use the Book of Common Prayer (BCP) or the Celtic Daily Prayer book to guide me. Or I’ll have a list of people to pray for. But that never lasts more than a couple of weeks.
I think a lot of what stops me is that it feels awkward, and I am not the type of person that does well feeling out of control or awkward. Even when I’m going through the BCP or some other prescribed prayer – i.e., when I’m not having to make it up as I go – I’m still aware of a sense of uneasiness and I end up rushing through it, feeling relieved when I’m done and can move on to something else.
I don’t like feeling that way, especially because I have this formal theological training. I feel like I should be really comfortable with praying. But I’m not.
I’ve always wanted to be a better pray-er. I have strong admiration for people who I know that are what I would consider to be “good” pray-ers. My husband is one of them. He is faithful about spending time each day in prayer with God. My mom and stepfather are also good at beginning their days with prayer. So is my friend Mark, and a woman in my church named Pat.
But as I begin to travel along this path that God seems to be urging me towards I am coming to understand that prayer does not have to be so intimidating. I’m learning that this uneasiness that I feel, this awkwardness, when I pray is a necessary part of the process. In prayer I am, in a sense, making myself vulnerable to God so that through prayer God can change me. And in prayer I am coming into the presence of the Divine Being. No wonder I feel so uneasy!
But as I begin to understand this I feel like I can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable, and perhaps even move through that dis-ease to the point that I feel comfortable, and even delight in, my time alone with God.
We’ll see. Until then, I’m sure I’ll still want to rush through my prayers, but I’ll challenge myself to linger a bit longer each day.